Both the girls travelled up from Hobart last weekend and stayed till Sunday afternoon.
They brought me some beautiful big old fashioned roses, heavenly scented, from the garden.
I had a concept of love that I used as a yardstick when I was expecting my first child but I was not prepared for the many shades it takes over time.
No-one told me it changed and found other dimensions, not even my mother.
I wish my grandmother was alive now so I could ask her about it.
When my children were little I had a fierce, protective love. It was a very "busy" love of the heads down, bottom up keep going soldier on love. I became a lioness when anyone threatened my children.
Now they are grown, I no longer hold the reins, it is a more intense love. One that is not hampered by value judgements and lesson giving but of sideline barracking.
I am ridiculously and exquisitely excited when I see them. They are not perfect yet I feel so proud of them. They are not yet formed and are still changing, finding out what and whom they want to be. Their little hurts and disappointments still cause me pain and I wish at those times I could still be Mummy that makes everything go away.
Perhaps Mum has tried to tell me these things and it is a case of me not really paying attention. There are not many things that Mum has been able to tell me till I was ready to hear (listening and hearing are two different things I have found)
I know Mum has talked about "physical pain" that she has felt deep inside her when I have gone through my many trials and tribulations but I listened and judged it as a touch of the melodrama (which is ridiculous as my mother is definitely NOT melodramatic) and a way for her to communicate empathy with me.
My girls are yet to go through such things for they stand at the beginning of their adulthood.
I can't help wondering about the next familial love - that of and for the grandchildren and for the change in my children when they in turn become parents (of that I am sure)
I was astonished to experience the change in love for my brothers (4) too as we got older. Distance makes it harder to revel in but it is a much maturer loving feeling that is without the competitiveness that I think we must have subtly operated on as children. I'm sure it is just a biological hard-wiring fact.
Do families talk about this changing love or is it something the generations aren't able to hear till they go through their various stages of life.
As the roses get blousey and heavy, past that first proud magnificent show, I have been plucking them from the stem and drying them for when I have amassed a suitable quantity for rose petal jam. If you can get hold of some pesticide free roses do try it, there is nothing quite like it on scones.
It is an individual journey and no one can tell you what it will be like for you. There may be echoes of similarity but each experience is individual. It is interesting to hear about your's though. I CAN tell you that grandmotherhood is a whole other (wonderful) place.
ReplyDeleteThose roses are beautiful as are the sentiments expressed in your thoughtful post Tanya. I still have occasions where I wish I 'could still kiss it better' for my girls :-)
ReplyDeleteHey Tanya, what a lovely, thoughtful, evocative post.
ReplyDeleteNot something I thought about too deeply, but definitely aware of the changing and deepening of emotions.
Although I'm not sure when the fierce, proctective love for offspring is meant to take a back seat to the 'sideline barracking' type.
Maybe it's something to do with having an only child. Still, it's a journey we all make and not always following the same map.
Gorgeous roses, what a lovely thing to bring. So glad you were able to have some time with your girls, bet there were lots of hugs and laughter going on.
I didn't realise you can make rose petal jam with dried roses. I've only seen recipes for fresh petals, but I would like to try it.
20.5mls of rain here ☂ just wonderful.
Claire :}